Understanding Grief as an MK

As missionary kids we have a history of abuse and/or abandonment.  If it didn’t happen to us, we saw it happening to someone else.  We were not unique among the children of the world. No matter where you go there are plenty of children living in horrific situations.

One thing that does make us unique is that when we were barely young adults, we were thrust into a brand new culture. This required a tremendous amount of energy to learn how to adapt and fit in. Perhaps it is being handled better today, but in my time there was little support for MKs moving to their home country. I personally experienced zero support from SIM when I was a young adult, and I know the same is true for many of my classmates. During the decades required to assimilate the new culture, childhood traumas were sent off to some remote part of the brain. These did not go away, they were only forgotten temporarily. Many MKs of my generation – 40s, 50s and older –  are finding that the past memories are bubbling back up to the surface.

The questions I hear often boil down to this: how can we leave the trauma of our past and move ahead into recovery and growth? I don’t have the answers. I am in the thick of it with the rest of you. However I do know that a predominant feeling we have as MKs is that of grief. We are still grieving the loss of our parents, our brothers and our sisters. We grieve the loss of innocence, the lack of justice, and the opportunities that we lost because of our struggles.

You probably know about the five stages of grief, a series of steps that a person walks through to come to terms with a great loss in their life. This theory was developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, which was first published in 1969. Even though stages or steps sounds like something you would walk through in order, Kübler-Ross maintained that this is not necessarily the case. They can happen out of order, and they can happen all at once.

The stages of grief are important to MKs because we must pass through some or all of these feelings on our journey of healing. This is what some of the stages might look like for an abused or neglected MK.

Denial: Based on my belief that all SIM missionary kids who attended boarding school either experienced or witnessed abuse or neglect, most of them are still in the stage of denial. Denial says we were the luckiest kids in the world, and hushes up anyone who brings up bad memories. We all agree there were good times, but denial insists they were ALL good, and if they weren’t good they were at least for our own good. Denial ignores or chastises MKs who talk about abuse. It is a fairly recent thing that we are finally seeing open discussions on social media about the pain and loss we experienced.

Anger: If a large portion of MKs are stuck in denial, anger runs a close second. It is easy to spot the anger by reading blogs, forums and Facebook pages focusing on abuse. Sometimes it is like a smoldering ember, sometimes more of a burning rage. MKs are angry at their parents who sent them away, at the missions who encouraged this and then mismanaged the boarding school, at teachers and dorm parents who ranged from cold and uncaring to downright cruel, at God who we were taught had ultimate control over our lives, and even at each other. There is so much unresolved hurt from those years. If we were thrown together in a room with our classmates, and were perfectly honest, we would all find that we were the victim of one person and the tormentor of someone else.

Bargaining: This is a negotiation with a higher power, and an attempt to gain some control over your situation. You want things to go back to the way they were before your loss. For us this might be loss of love and relationships in the midst of many moves. It could be loss of education and jobs due to the culture shock of coming back into your home country and not having support. It might be many years of lost opportunities due to depression, addictions, or just unfamiliarity with the culture and an inability to function. We might attempt to bargain with the mission to get some compensation. More often we make promises to God, the Universe, or whatever you consider to be your Higher Power. There is always something we can lay on the bargaining table. This line of thinking leads to a seemingly endless cycle of “What if” and “If only” queries, as we attempt to rewrite the past in our minds.

Depression: I believe depression is the most widespread legacy of our boarding school experience. This is also a common result of abuse. I know many who go through serious bouts of depression today. I myself have struggled with depression. It is an extremely difficult condition to overcome, since it isolates and paralyzes a person. Once you are in it, it is almost impossible to get out without help from outside.

It was surprisingly common for some of us to have suicidal thoughts when we were young. Some still have them today. Sadly there are SIM MKs who have committed suicide.

Acceptance: I suspect that what many MKs claim to be acceptance is actually denial. If you haven’t felt the loss and experienced the anger and the sadness, I seriously question how you are at peace with your boarding school experience. Granted some were worse than others, but every child in that school either experienced abuse themselves or witnessed abuse of one of their classmates. I know this is true because I saw it happening right out in the open on almost a daily basis.

That being said, I believe there are MKs who have successfully processed their grief and moved to acceptance. If this is you, I would love to hear from you. What was your grief experience? What kind of help did you have to move through these steps?

When you are in it, grief is a desperate and hopeless feeling that seems as if it will never end. I have to cling to the belief and the promise that there is an end to the long, dark night. Not just any end, but a glorious end. The morning will come and with it joy, that elusive fruit that always hangs just a little too high on the tree.

“For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”

Sweet and Sad Memories from an MK

Jos Night

by Stanley Steely
(after the graduation ceremony from Hillcrest High School)

I walk the empty streets
of my hometown for the last time.
It’s 1 AM with the black sounds
of night all around.
The rare street lamp spreads it’s
dim pool of pale light like
the crescent moon’s slim beam.
Night sounds of owl, cricket,
mosquito buzz and the rustle of some
creature in the roadside grass,
lull my soul but can’t soothe.

My heart cries out to join the tears on my face.
In a few hours I’ll jet away from Africa
to a distant land.  A place my parents know
and long for, but strange/fearful to me.
My childhood is over; mourning the early morning
sunrays that will illuminate a new turned page.

The smell of rain damp earth, mixed with sweet
Mango and Flame Tree scent, overwhelms me.
The distant drumming of villagers dancing
the night away, their fires flickering
through the minutes till time is gone,
ignites a burst of emotion and suddenly
my Bata’s beat a staccato on the hard tarmac
as I break into a desperate run…

I’ll not walk this road again.

Replacing Shame with Joy

Musings of a Christian Psychologist had a short and sweet post today that is worth sharing.

Many of us, especially the readers of this blog, are weighed down by shame.  Part of this is the result of growing up in a legalistic environment where we were expected to behave perfectly in order to gain the acceptance of our teachers and dorm parents, yes and even God himself.  And if you were abused and humiliated you may also be weighed down by the shame of your abusers, even though it happened many years ago.

The post I linked to above says: “It seems that the shame put upon us by abuse and maltreatment weighs us down the most. Often those who mistreat us do so in ways to make us believe that in fact we are worthy of shame or that they are righteous in their treatment of us.”

Victims are often treated shamefully as well when they step forward to tell their story and try to get acknowledgement of the abuse.  The burden seems to land squarely on their shoulders as they go through the long and sometimes fruitless process of getting someone to listen to them and investigate the abuse.

Remember, we were originally created to be free from shame.  Our sins are covered by the blood of Jesus, therefore we don’t need to feel shame for ourselves, and certainly not for things that other people have done to us.

Isaiah 61:7 says “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance.  And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”

Someday, we will all be talking about joy instead of shame.  I am looking forward to joy! How about you?

Choose Hope and Claim Peace: Melissa Taylor’s blog

Sometimes I read a blog that is just too good to keep to myself.   This is for all of you fellow MKs who are struggling every day to find peace in your mind, and who may not even remember what hope looks like.  Melissa Taylor is currently leading an online Bible study based on the book Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner, by Wendy Blight.  Today she shares the Top Ten Ways You Can Choose Hope and Claim Peace.  Melissa gives practical ways to lift your mood and change the way you are thinking, all based on God’s Word.

Are you hearing a constant message from the world around you of fear, and despair, and impending doom?  It’s not just the news that bombards us with this message, but often other Christians do the same.   Sadly most MKs grew up learning of an angry God, a punishing God, a God who is very hard to please and who has terrible consequences for those who aren’t living a perfect life.   What was in store for us but the Tribulation, painful martyrdom, and great sorrow, requiring a lot of tears to be wiped away from our eyes at the end of it all.  Is it any wonder that it is hard to find hope in this world?

Here is the truth of the matter – God wants us to live in peace and hope, not in fear.  God tells us not to be afraid.  Does that mean your life will be easy?  Certainly not!  But don’t let anyone tell you that you need to live in fear and darkness.  Claim these promises for yourself today.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear;  I will help you.  Isaiah 41:13

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:11

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.  Isaiah 55:12