Thoughts on Forgiveness

This is an excerpt from the final report of the Independent Committee of Inquiry, Presbyterian Church (USA), printed in September 2002.  The authors are Howard Beardslee, Lois Edmund, James Evinger, Nancy Poling, Geoffrey Stearns, and Carolyn Whitfield.  This excerpt is used with permission.  The ICI was charged with investigating reports of sexual abuse of MKs attending American Presbyterian Congo Mission between 1945 and 1978.  You can read the full report here: Final Report of the Independent Committee of Inquiry.

Why can’t they all just forgive and forget?

As victims begin the long, painful road to healing, many among their friends and family urge them to “forgive and forget.”  Why is this so important?  For those who served as missionaries to the Congo, it may be related to their desire to hold on to fond memories of their years on the field.  It may be because they don’t want to be reminded that a colleague they respected engaged in such destructive behaviour.

There is perhaps another reason.  Often we call upon people to forgive and forget because we are uncomfortable with anger, particularly if it is directed at someone we care about.  Or if we ourselves feel some responsibility.  Anger, however, is an appropriate response to abuse.  Some women the ICI interviewed have spent a lifetime coping with eating disorders, alcoholism, low self-esteem, and depression because a person they dearly loved and trusted sexually abused them.  He betrayed them, and they are furious.  The missionary community did not protect them, and they are furious.  Their anger is appropriate.  Sexual abuse is a traumatic blow to the God-given human dignity with which every person is born.  In awakening to the abuse, anger and rage are a first step toward regaining that dignity and self-esteem.  Anger is an important step toward healing.

Of course, a third reason why a Christian community would admonish a victim to forgive is because it is what Jesus taught.  Believers, of course, cannot discount the biblical imperative.  However, Christian advocates for the abused have been engaged in biblical study related to forgiveness.  Many have concluded that while Jesus taught forgiveness, he also taught that we must confront evil and commit ourselves to justice, especially when the poor and vulnerable are concerned.  Careful reading reveals, too, that on the cross Jesus did not directly forgive the people who were crucifying him; he left that up to God.  “Father, forgive them,” he said.

An Old Testament story can further guide our understanding of forgiveness.  At the end of the narrative about Joseph and his brothers, after Jacob’s death, Joseph meets with his brothers, who sold him into slavery.  When they beseech him to forgive them, he does not say he will; rather he asks them, “Am I in place of God?  As for you, you meant evil against me…I will provide for you and your little ones” (Gen. 50: 19-20).  He made no statement of forgiveness or of love; rather he pledged not to let them starve.

Confession, too, is an important part of the Christian tradition.  Confession precedes forgiveness.  How does one forgive an abuser who never admitted wrong?  How does one forgive a person who is no longer living?  When there is no admittance of guilt or when a face-to-face encounter is not possible, the victim may have to reach a point of acceptance rather than forgiveness.  Acceptance is not resignation.  It implies a state of inner peace.  Whether the end is forgiveness or acceptance, the journey is painful, tedious, and long.

When victims hear their parents, “aunts,” and “uncles” tell them they should forgive and forget, they may feel re-victimized.  The request tells them that their “family” does not understand the trauma they have had to live with.  Those who call for forgiving and forgetting are saying that they would feel more comfortable if the wrong done was covered up or if the victim would at least pretend it was forgotten.  Hearing people they love tell them to forgive and forget can also add to victims’ feelings of guilt.  If they are unable to forgive, then something must be wrong with them.

Those who work in the field of abuse speak of  “cheap grace,” that is forgiveness that is offered too quickly and easily.  Cheap grace is forgiveness that is extended even when there has been no remorse or compensation for the harm that was done.  Cheap grace is phony reconciliation that would require victims to forget what happened to them, even when the scars of abuse are daily reminders.

Marie Fortune, a noted advocate for those who have been abused, speaks of forgiveness as “the last step.”  A precondition for forgiveness, she says, is justice for the victim.  This inquiry is a step toward justice, but only a step.

Working through the wounds of abuse is for many a lifetime endeavor, which means that arriving at the last step, “forgiveness,” may take years.  Through therapy, accompanied by family and friends, victims take the long journey toward wholeness and a renewed relationship with God.  At the same time family and friends pursue the causes of justice and restitution.

The pressure exerted on victims to “forgive and forget” is healthful neither for them nor for the church.  Forgiveness can not be mandated; one who has suffered cannot simply be told to forgive.

Neither is it a theological rule to be followed; it is a gift.  Forgiveness is a gift that comes as a part of the healing journey.

 Also, please read  Forgive and Forget:  Preventing Healing and Protecting Abusers.

13 thoughts on “Thoughts on Forgiveness

    • Hi Liz, For some reason this was in my email this morning. I reread the article again, lol, and I had posted a note under Katie, last year. I am wondering Liz, where do you live? I believe it was in Ontario? For some reason many sim missionaries came from Ontario, I believe.

      I am in Calgary. I told my doctor, that I was no longer corresponding with my family in Manitoba, and without blinking, she said, Good. I had a really hard time coping, sleeping, etc., when what happened would never have been conceivable, 30 years ago.

      I know the Bible teaches us to honor our parents and I did that by visiting regularing, even I lived 2 provinces away. Plus, I rounded up my siblings and initiated a blessing ceremony for my father. Then again, when my father turned 80, I planned a huge party for him. After starting the plans for this event, I got fired at my job (quite unfairly, according to the people closest to me), from a Christian organization, because of one board member, so had little funds. Well, actually not fired because I got an outstanding written reference letter, and some severence, but yes, let go, lol. So, my family will never know, how hard caring through with this event was on me.

      Now, I found my visits, are basically used for info gathering, which my father passes along to my youngest half brother, so they can pull it apart and make disparging comments.

      Since I have made this decision, I feel like a burden has been lifted, and I am much happier. I am not angry with my family, just not much reason to spend time together, lol, plus these trips are very costly for us, on our already strained budget, lol,

      Blessings, kathy parsons.

      Sent from my iPad


      • Hi Kathy, its nice to hear from you again. I don’t live in Ontario, I am in the US. You are right though that there are many Canadian SIM missionaries. Kathy, it sounds like you made a decision to remove a great source of stress from your life by stopping communication with an abusive person / persons – good for you! It may be a no-brainer to do this for a person who is no relation, but is much more difficult when it is a family member and you feel a responsibility to give them respect. However I don’t think your responsibilities toward them include submitting to behavior that is not respectful towards YOU. Just my thoughts. Feel free to drop me a line using the contact form if you want to talk more.

      • Hi Liz, Have you had any updates of the persecution going on in Nigeria recently? I remember that book I read of Ruth & Dr. Long who worked at a remote clinic, (forget the name, atm, starts with G, lol) and their daughter Sue & Terry stayed there as missionaries also. They are slaughtering whole villages of people, etc., I know there must be lots of christians in Nigeria because it has been evangelized for so many decades already. kathy parsons.

        Sent from my iPad


      • Kathy, there is still a lot of violence going on in Nigeria – just last month I think about 200 people were killed in Plateau state. It is a complicated mix of political and religious reasons plus questions of land ownership – conflict between farmers and the Fulani who are nomadic cattle herders. But I am certainly not an authority on this. The Longs were stationed in Galmi, which is in Niger. That country is mainly Muslim, and they also have a history of violence with Boko Haram, etc. Anyone else who knows more feel free to chime in.

  1. this is my first time on this site, but I am very glad I found it. I am not an MK, however, I find
    alot of the material is relevant in my situation also. I grew up in a menonite community, and find myself in a horrible family situation, in which some annts have written to me, which borders on spiritual abuse. However, I did not buy into it, and responded in a way that set
    the record straight, according to God’s word, and did not allow myself to get bullied or take
    on false guilt. After reading this article, I am glad I was true to myself, amd had the nerve to
    speak the truth about this painful situation I am in.

  2. Thank you, Duane, for your comment with such a refreshing point of view! I can understand how a victim might be counseled to forgive on the grounds that we cannot control whether the perpetrator is repentant or not, and forgiving is something that the victim can control. However I looked at your links, and Gary Chapman doesn’t say we should forgive unapologetic people, but we should “release” them. This keeps us from being caught in a prison of bitterness. You are so right about the focus being too much on what the victim needs to do. Many people have felt compelled to explain in detail to the victims just why and how they should be forgiving (and this advice isn’t always given out of compassion for the victims either). I have yet to read a lengthy article in Simroots telling the abusers why and how they should be confessing their sins and asking for forgiveness.

  3. I’m an MK as well. I don’t think I’ve been abused, but feel for those who have. Once I was in a seminar put on by Gary Chapman and he answered the question, “should we forgive without an apology?” and I and many were surprised to hear his answer – to release & hand over to God yes, but forgive expecting reconciliation, no. He asked back, “how does God forgive?” 1Jn 1:9 says it’s conditional upon confession and admitting of wrong. So if we are to “forgive AS God forgave us”, then that means we also forgive only upon the offender’s confession. Why is there so much guilt-trips on “you gotta forgive” to the offended and so little emphasis on “you gotta confess and make things right” to the offender? – if THAT were stressed more, there’d be a whole lot more healing and forgiveness going on and more potential for reconciliation. The mission needs to be more active in the primary requirement of getting the offender ro own up and confess before expecting the victim to forgive.

  4. Very good explanation of forgiveness. I like that forgiveness is the last step not the first. The push to make us forgive first and everything will work out is a lie. Healing does not start with forgiveness. I went to Mamou in the 50s and 60s where there was much abuse. You can see our story in “All God’s Children, the film. The film is a good way to explain what abuse has done and is doing to the MKs who are now adults.

  5. Pingback: Guilt and Secrecy: Discouraging Victims from Coming Forward | SIM Missionary Kid Survivors

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